areyoukiddingmejmay:

jhnmyr:

GPOYW - A Self Portrait of The Artist Three Days Before His Metaphoric Retirement

Ugh.  Where do I begin?  I suppose I should begin with “Hey, J. May.  Follow me like you said you would,” so I will.  Hey, J. May.  Follow me like you said you would.

Now, superficially, you look like shit, so maybe you should stop doing that.  You still have that horrible rash on your right arm, and I can not stress enough how you should get that checked out.  You’re also over thirty, so get a fucking haircut and shave your baby stubble.  Even though I know you’re faking it because you’re trying hard to look arty, I hope you are always as sad/bored as you look in this picture.  Seriously, you have millions of dollars; go buy a better facial expression.  I also can’t help but notice that you are alone in that bed.  Have fun fucking that water bottle.  I bet that DVD is of Gigli.  Unless it’s a video game, in which case I bet it’s the home version of “I Am Horrible: The Game Show.”

You shouldn’t work on your computer like that, J. May.  It’s bad for your posture.  I do that all the time, and it’s just not a good idea.  I am trying to help you.  We also have the same computer, so I guess that’s something.  Not really, though.  BOOOOOO, J. MAY!  BOOOOOOOO!!!  That was me jeering you.  You should be jeered more.

Lastly, how the hell is it a “metaphoric” retirement?  The only way that would work is if you (God willing) are actually retiring.  Then your retirement is a metaphor for something.  But for what is your retirement a metaphor?  The end of… something else?  Inversely, something else could be a metaphor for your retirement, but… I don’t know,  I’m racking my brain for some kind of explanation, and I think you’re probably just wrong.  Maybe you just mean “temporary” retirement.  Or maybe you just mean “hiatus.”  Or maybe “figurative” retirement?  I don’t know.  Something other than “metaphoric.”  Or maybe your retirement is a metaphor for… the end… of… you… not following me?

Yeah.  That must be it.

Yeah, guy, that must be it.  Johnny’s retirement is a metaphor for something to do with you oh wait he barely knows you exist so why would this involve you in any way?  And seriously, how do you know what he meant by “metaphoric?”  You don’t know him and you don’t know his career plans.  And even if he did use it wrong, so what?  Oh, great, a lesson in grammar!  Because it’s not like we’re on the internet or anything.  I don’t like using the phrase “grammar nazi” because it’s offensive to grammar and nazis, but SERIOUSLY WHO CARES?  Is Johnny turning his posts into a novel?  No.  And even if he did, it would sell better than anything you could possibly write.  We’re not in school anymore, douche.  This isn’t school.  Stop trying to act like this is school.  It’s not.  If we were in school, Johnny would be kicking your ass because you’re such a huge fucking loser and he’s so fucking cool.  Seriously, pretend this is school somewhere else, not at a place where it’s not school.

And, dude… “jeers?”  Who says that?  More like “WOOOOOO, JOHNNY!  WOOOOOO!”  That was me cheering Johnny on, because that’s an actual thing.  “Jeers?”  Whatever, guy.

And why do you care what he looks like in the picture?  Personally, I like seeing Johnny in his element.  Would you prefer he gussied himself up and made himself look all fake for the cameras?  Johnny’s a down-to-earth celebrity, and this posed, planned-out photo proves that.  We all look like complete shit sometimes, and Johnny’s just like us.  And he is not sad or bored.  The last time we hung out, he was happy and interested.

I also want to address your claim that Johnny has a rash on his right arm.  First of all, that’s his left arm, dummy.  It’s a picture not a mirror.  He took the picture with his left arm, so the “rash” is on his left arm.  Also, it’s not a rash.  It’s one of his many awesome tattoos.  I was there when he got part of it (remember Johnny?  We were soooo trashed!).  But seriously, guy, do some research before you make fun of someone for something about which you know nothing.  That tattoo is wicked and you’re clearly too much of a loser to see that.  No wonder you thought it was a rash.

Anyway, hey, Johnny!  I talked to Colleen, and we were good for hanging tomorrow because her book club was going to go long, but then Terrance developed a rash on his right arm.  Not sure if it’s contagious and I don’t want Deb to sit for us and risk her getting it.  So maybe later this weekend or early next week?  Shoot me a texty text or just reblog this and let me know.

EDIT:  Almost forgot, thanks for the offer on helping out with tambourine on the new album!  I still need to clear my schedule, but I think I can make it happen.  It’ll be just like old times!  OMG, do you remember our band in high school, J. May And The J. Mays?  OMG, those uniforms.  We were such dorks!  This will be better, though.

Love you and miss you, Johnny!